After all these years, I thought being a Nice Guy was a good thing.

As you can see from my previous post, it has been a month shy of a year since I posted an update here. One of the main reasons will be revealed in this post.

I usually mention any updates about my life and rant about things I come across in life and around me in general. This time, I am going to change it up a bit and write about the type of person I have been for as long as I can remember and mention a few specific reason as to why I, as of a couple nights ago (Tues), have decided to do my best to not be affiliated with this type of person anymore. As you can see from the title, this type of person is the "Nice Guy."

That's right, you read that correctly. I have decided to NOT be a Nice Guy anymore and am going to do my best from now on to steer away from many of the "Nice Guy" traits I've had for as long as I remember so I can be a "Better Man."




 

I'm sure a lot of you are a bit confused and are wondering why a Nice Guy would not want to be a Nice Guy anymore. After all, everyone love's a Nice Guy and everyone raves about how Nice Guys help everyone else, puts their needs after everyone else's needs are met, are good listeners, keep their cool, and so on and so on.

But have you ever wondered how a guy was developed into a Nice Guy? Have you ever wondered what was going through the mind of a Nice Guy? And, most of all, have you ever wondered why a Nice Guy would always help you in anyway they can without even bothering to help themselves first? Until after you read those questions, I highly doubt you ever did.

Just a couple nights ago, I decided to pick up one of the three books I ordered from Amazon a week ago and start reading it. The book is titled, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover. After reading the first few pages, my eyes started to water sort of like when my contacts have been in for too long or it feels like there is a foreign object on them and I rub my eyes for a quick fix... causing them to water. My eyes rarely water or tear for so-called emotional reasons so this was a rare and unexpected thing for me to have experienced that night. For those who know me, you must be thinking, "Justin got emotional over a book? Nah, he doesn't get emotional!" Well, let's look at a few excerpts from the book then, shall we?

Here is part of the introduction:

Nice Guys are concerned about looking good and doing it “right.” They are happiest when they are making others happy. Nice Guys avoid conflict like the plague and will go to great lengths to avoid upsetting anyone. In general, Nice Guys are peaceful and generous. Nice Guys are especially concerned about pleasing women and being different from other men. In a nutshell, Nice Guys believe that if they are good, giving, and caring, they will in return be happy, loved, and fulfilled.

 Notice that part I colored in red? Let's continue.

Nice Guys have believed a myth.

This myth is the essence of the Nice Guy Syndrome. The Nice Guy Syndrome represents a belief that if Nice Guys are “good,” they will be loved, get their needs met, and live a problem-free life. When this life strategy fails to produce the desired results---as it often does---Nice  Guys usually just try harder, doing more of the same. Due to the sense of helplessness and resentment this pattern inevitably produces, Nice Guys are often anything but nice.

For many years, myself and a lot of other guys out there have believed this myth. After all, to me, being a logical thinker and all as you know, it seems true from a simple logical standpoint: If one is good, caring, and giving, the one who received those things will return the favor to the one who gave it to them. Although this has happened in my life, the results are, unfortunately, pretty slim.

Let's move on. Some excerpts from Chapter 1:

More than anything, Jason wanted to be liked. He saw himself as a very generous, giving person. He prided himself on not having many ups and downs and for never losing his temper. He revealed that he liked to make people happy, and that he hated conflict.

“I do a lot more than most guys. It seems like I’m always giving so much more than I get.” Now, looking like a little boy on the couch, Jason pleaded, “All I want is to be loved and appreciated. Is this too much to ask?”

Well, holy shit! Do you see that there? You might as well replace "Jason" with "Justin" because that sure as hell explains me to a T! And, after all these years, I thought "Nice Guys" were rare commodities. I guess we are not as rare as I thought.

Let's move on to Omar:

Omar’s number one goal in life is to please his girlfriend. Nevertheless, she complains that he is never emotionally available for her. In fact, every one of his previous girlfriends has had the same complaint. Since Omar sees himself as such a giver, he can't understand these accusations. Omar states that his greatest joy in life is making other people happy.

Well, look at that! Omar has the same greatest joy I have. Ain't that something?


Let's check out Todd's story:

Todd prides on treating women with honesty and respect. He believes these traits set him apart from other men and should attract women to him. Though he has many female friends, he rarely dates. The women he knows tell him what a great listener he is and often call him to share their problems. He likes feeling needed. These female friends constantly tell him what a great “catch” he will make for some lucky woman. In spite of the way he treats women, he can’t understand why they all seem to be attracted to jerks rather than to Nice Guys like him.

Well, holy shit on a shingle; I too wonder why I'm still single.


Hey, Bill is next to check out:

Bill is the person to whom everyone turns when they need something. The word “no” just isn’t in his vocabulary. Even though it makes him feel good to give to others, he never seems to get as much as he gives.

Even though, "no" is in my vocabulary, it is rarely used for the reason stated with Bill above. Those were just some examples of "Some of the nicest guys you will ever meet" found in Chapter 1.

Though all of these men (including myself) are unique, we all share this common life script: They all believe that if they are “good” and do everything “right,” they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a problem-free life. Dr. Glover calls these men "Nice Guys." I actually understand why.


 Another snip from Chapter 1:

• He is the buddy who will do anything for anybody, but whose own life seems to be in shambles.
• He is the man who lets people walk all over him because he doesn’t want to rock the boat.
• He is the dependable guy at church or the club who will never say “no” and would never tell anyone if they were imposing on him.
• He is the man whose life seems so under control, until BOOM, one day he does something to destroy it all.

I'd have to honestly say I agree with everything above except for not wanting to "rock the boat." ;-)





Now, let's go on to the Characteristics of Nice Guys:

• Nice Guys are givers
• Nice Guys fix and caretake
• Nice Guys seek approval from others
• Nice Guys avoid conflict
• Nice Guys believe they must hide their perceived flaws and mistakes.
• Nice Guys seek the “right” way to do things.
• Nice guys repress their feelings.
• Nice guys often try to be different from their fathers.
• Nice Guys are often more comfortable relating to women than to men.
• Nice guys have difficulty making their needs a priority.

So, there we go again. I, being the "Nice Guy" I am, fit the characteristics. I am a giver, avoid conflict, repress my feelings, etc. I guess you can say I'm like the character Kwai Chang Caine from Kung Fu...




  

And, I always wanted to be some sort of hero figure hence the reason why I always wanted to get into law enforcement and why I was in security for a few years....





And I love being that one man who is making a difference in people's lives for the better. I'm sure that's the main reason why I created my own computer business.







Also, having the computer business can be considered to be my "saving grace" such as with Jose in Chapter 2:

Jose considered his natural intelligence, work ethic, and ability to solve problems his "saving grace." He believed these factors allowed him to escape his family dysfunction and make something of himself . Without them, he was convinced, he would have ended up just like his parents and the rest of his siblings.

What’s wrong with being a Nice Guy? From Chapter 1:

The term Nice Guy is actually a misnomer because Nice Guys are often anything but nice.
Some not-so-nice traits of Nice Guys:

Nice Guys are dishonest. These men hide their mistakes, avoid conflict, say what they think people want to hear, and repress their feelings. These traits make Nice Guys fundamentally dishonest.

Nice Guys are secretive.  Because they are so driven to seek approval, Nice Guys will hide anything that they believe might upset anyone. The Nice Guy motto is, "If at first you don't succeed, hide the evidence."

Nice Guys are compartmentalized.  Nice Guys are adept at harmonizing contradictory pieces of information about themselves by separating them into compartments into their mind.

Nice Guys are manipulative.  Nice Guys tend to have a hard time making their needs a prioority and have difficulty asking for what they want in clear and direct ways. This creates a sense of powerlessness. Therefore, they frequently resort to manipulation when trying to get their needs met.

Nice Guys are controlling.  A major priority for Nice Guys is keeping their world smooth. This creates a constant need to try to control the people and things around them.

Nice Guys give to get.  Though Nice Guys tend to be generous givers, their giving often has unconscious and unspoken strings attached. They want to be appreciated, they want some kind of reciprocation, they want someone to stop being angry at them, etc.

Nice Guys are passive-aggressive.  Nice Guys tend to express their frustration and resentment in indirect, roundabout, and not so nice ways. This includes being unavailable, forgetting, being late...

Nice Guys are full of rage.  Though Nice Guys frequently deny over getting angry, a lifetime of frustration and resentment creates a pressure cooker of repressed rage deep inside these men. This rage tends to erupt at some of the most unexpected and seemingly inappropriate times.

Nice Guys have difficulty setting boundaries. Many Nice Guys have a hard time saying "no," "stop," or "I'm not going to." They often feel like helpless victims and see the other person as the cause of the  problems they are experiencing.

Nice Guys are frequently isolated.  Though Nice Guys desire to be liked and loved, their behaviors actually make it difficult for people to get very close to them.

Nice Guys are often attracted to people and situations that need fixing.  This behavior is often the result of the Nice Guy's childhood conditioning, his need to look good, or his quest for approval. Unfortunately, this tendency pretty much guarantees that Nice Guys will spend most of their time putting out fires and managing crises.

Nice Guys have problems in intimate relationships. One example: It is not unusual for Nice Guys to form relationships with partners whom they believe to be "projects" or "diamonds in the rough." When these projects don't polish up  as expected. Nice Guys tend to blame their partner for standing in the way of their happiness.

Unfortunately, the negative traits listed above find a way to ooze out into Nice Guys' lives and personal relationships. As a result, these men then to swing back and forth between being nice and not-so-nice. 

So, I must learn, from now on, to be an "integrated male" instead of a "Nice Guy."

Nice Guys tend to be very black and white in their thinking. The only alternative they can see to being nice is becoming "bastards" or "jerks." I frequently remind Nice Guys that the opposite of crazy is still crazy, so being a "jerk" isn't the answer.

Being integrated means being able to accept all aspects of one's self. An integrated man is able to embrace everything that makes him unique: his power, his  assertiveness, his courage, and his passion as well as his imperfections, his mistakes, and his dark side.

One pretty neat thing Dr. Glover mentioned in chapter one was about the Seinfeld episode where George decided to change his life by doing the opposite. As you know, Seinfeld is one of my favorite shows. If you didn't know that, now you do.

Here is the part where George does the opposite. Unfortunately, I am unable to embed this one in the blog.

Of course, doing everything the opposite is not the answer for breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome, doing some things different is.

Dr. Glover wrote about paradigms as well:

A paradigm is the road map we use to navigate life's journey. Everyone uses these road maps, and everyone assumes the map they are using is up-to-date and accurate.

The working paradigm of the Nice Guy is this:

If I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be then I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life.

Even when this paradigm is ineffective, Nice Guys only see one alternative: try harder.

It looks like my paradigm isn't up-to-date and accurate anymore. It's funny how I always try to keep my computer up-to-date but not my own road map to navigate in my life. That, obviously, must be addressed then, don't you think?

Dr. Glover also went into detail with the making of the Nice Guy  and the origin of the Nice Guy paradigm in chapter 2. I'm not going to go into much detail about that but he mentions a little Twentieth Century History 101 - the loss of fathers, the female dominated educational system, the Vietnam war, and women's liberation.

Obviously, if you know me well enough and have read my other blog posts and essays, you pretty much know my background.

So, after all of the above, why have I decided to not be that "Nice Guy" everyone has grown to love? Here are a few main reasons:

Trust in people - I had a tendency to trust and have faith (even though I don't like using the word "faith" because I'm not a faithful person and it ties into religious stuff of which I'm not a believer in but... it fits well here) in people who said they will take care of something for me but either take too long to take care of what I need or just end up not taking care of what they said they would, which in turn costs me a shit load of money and expectations of something complete of which it never is.  (hint: FUCKING TRANS AM!) 

Being nice and kind to the lovely ladies out there, even ones I barely knew. What has this gotten me? A thinner wallet, waste of my time, and more emotions being repressed inside. (hint: Recently, this one girl I had mentioned on a Facebook post this month who has all of a sudden decided to move out of the state without giving me any warning and..... best of all.. not even giving me the chance to see her one last time. Funny, seems like everything was going so well until.... she ends up being a selfish c--t and packs her shit and leaves. She had her reasons but were her reasons really justifiable to leave her family, friends, and good job? And just to clarify, just in case you people already probably assumed: she was NOT girlfriend material and never was going to be. Why? Because she's gay (not that there's anything wrong with that!) We both didn't mind this and I didn't especially because I didn't have a reason to impress her so I didn't. We both didn't which made everything much more relaxing) I, of course, won't do the opposite of being nice and kind but I will be bending that rule around a bit for obvious reasons.

Jerry and George's gay moment, not that there's anything wrong with that! Another one I unfortunately can't embed so you have to click on the link.

Another one which was similar to what went on during the first time we met.... (not the falling in love part, of course, but the similarities with ourselves.)

 Business - I have had a couple customers who I used to be "very" generous to when it has come to my business. These few people do not have the privilege of using me for my services anymore. One of the main ones I had which pissed me off to no end was when I made it to their house a couple times on time and the customer was not there.... having me wait over thirty minutes or so because they said they will be there but never showed. I don't know about you but I can't afford to waste my time like that especially since my time is the only way I am able to make money.

 Doing things I honestly don't like to do to please others - I choose not to do things I don't like to do which doesn't make me happy anymore. I understand I make the other person happy doing what needs to be done but in the end, did I benefit from it? That's what I think I should be focusing on these days. Life is short; why waste my time doing something I don't like to do? To make the other person happy? There are some exceptions to this rule though but there are some things I need to "address" for my own well being.

So, there are a few direct examples I have. There are more, of course, but those are probably of utmost importance.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I can just pack up my shit and leave as well and just be a nowhere man....




I guess this is it. I hope a lot of you "Nice Guys" and even girls who are like us "Nice Guys" read this and learn from it. I haven't finished the book yet but, after reading what I read so far, I highly recommend it to you "Nice Guys" out there!

Thanks for taking your time to read what has been in my mind and stay tuned for more updates soon,

- Justin Rocque - former "Nice Guy"